What If's?

Sometimes life has a way of running away with you, and all you can do is hold on tight to the reins and pray that it gets tired before you fall off.  That has been the way I have felt for the last month, lately I have been questioning the decisions that I have made in the last ten years, questioning everything; my marriage, having my daughter, returning to school, returning to work, accepting a promotion at work.  I sit and ponder what could have been. Should I have run away and become a biker?  Should I have stuck with my original plan of never marrying or having children, what if I had completed college and moved away when I was younger? Maybe I should have moved out of state to attend college, or maybe I should have gone on a murderous rampage from the top of the courthouse?  I have not found any answers to my “what ifs”, and I know I never will, and sometimes I regret the fact that I have “what ifs” at all.  Does it make me a bad mother that I wonder if I should have borne a child?  Does it make me a bad wife to dream about smothering my husband while laughing maniacally?  Between babysitting a bunch of “adults” all day at work, and coming home to a disaster zone, complete with screaming, fit throwing child, and husband whose first words as you walk through the door are, “What’s for supper?” I am mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted.   Am I too old to join the circus?   Really, I’m ready to pack me a bag and start riding the trains; being a hobo was a dream of mine for a while in my youth, I blame “The Boxcar Children”.  I hope I’m making sense because as of late, nothing makes sense to me.  Am I here or am I there, I left my car where?  I question daily if I should be in charge of a group of people that drive me to the point of a screaming fit, I talk myself down lately saying, “Don’t cuss them Marie, you’ll lose your job, you need your job, yes they deserve a cussing fit, but don’t do it, don’t cuss them Marie, you’ll lose your job”, this is my daily, sometimes hourly mantra.  Then I go home to a husband that does not appreciate the fact that I am working myself ragged to support us, so that he can remain a full time student and concentrate solely upon maintaining his 4.0 GPA.  How dare he have to watch our daughter, once I have finally escaped work after another ten hour day?  The house is a mess, the dishes are stacked to the ceiling, and the trash is overflowing.  Now I have to fix supper, wash dishes, do laundry, and to resist the temptation to drown my child as she screams because she doesn’t WANT a bath.  I guess my life could be worse, though they drive me to distraction, I do love my husband and child.  Even though at times I want to run far, far away and never come home, I know that I never will, because running never solved anything.  You just have to stand your ground, and keep plodding forward, step by weary step.